


Hallucinogenics

by zeitgeist77



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Drug Use, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Modern Setting, Non-Canonical Character Death, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, based off Matt Maeson song, richie goes back to Cali
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 02:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20827880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeitgeist77/pseuds/zeitgeist77
Summary: Richie goes back to his empty apartment and empty life without his best friend and possible lover.





	Hallucinogenics

Richie got home from their airport at five in the morning. He had his bag thrown over his shoulder and he was so tired that, once inside, he threw the bag and kicked it across the floor. He hadn't cried since they left Neibolt, but he felt it coming back. The tears stung his eyes and his throat let out a scratchy howl of pain. He screamed and fell over himself, crouching on the floor and sobbing uncontrollably. He stayed there until he saw the sun creep in through the window. Then, he felt numb. He walked over to his window, cracked it, and pulled out his carton of cigarettes. There was only two left, but there was a small note inside written on a fortune cookie paper that he always put in his new cartons as he bought them. He never knew why, but now he knew. He unfolded it and read the scratch. 'These will kill you' it said. And he wanted to smile, but the void in his chest only grew, consuming the dash of joy he might have had. He lit the cigarette and took one drag of it, looking out his window at the streets as they slowly got more populated. He watched a gay couple walking their dog, sharing a drink as they went and he thought about splitting all of his food with Eddie. He always shared with Eddie, only Eddie, when he had something that was good. He only didn't share when Eddie asked and it was just to get on his nerves. God, what a dumb kid he was. The couple walked and smiled, but even when they didn't smile, they looked content. 

His finger started burning and he dropped his cigarette on the floor. "Fuck." he said to himself. He looked at the butt and the ashes thinking if he could change anything, if he could just make one change in his past, if he could only go back so far or make one decision that's minimal: he would've stayed in that house with Eddie. He would've told them all to run and he would've stayed with Eddie's body because he really never thought Eddie died. 

Once he was tired of sitting on the arm of his couch, he walked over to the bathroom and grabbed the little orange bottle he'd bought from some kid named Slade he worked with once. Fuck that kid, but he had good cheap drugs. He dumped out the contents in his hand and cupped the small white pills. His heart, which he felt should be thudding rapidly, sat still in his chest. "Just one yeah Rich?" he said to himself, but that was a lie. One was never enough for him. He took one then crushed the other up and snorted it off the bathroom sink. When he looked up, he felt lighter than he had in hours. He laid in the bathtub and looked up at the ceiling, admiring the stains that had collected up there. As he stared, he felt himself almost falling asleep, but teetering in that phase right before you give in to rest. 

His phone rang, so he picked it up. "Hello." he said without checking the contact. 

"Richie?" he heard a familiar voice say. "Rich is that you?" the voice said. It was young, but he knew it. It was the Eddie he'd met and lost, no it was the one who would ask if he wanted to go to the arcade when they were fourteen.

"There's no way." Richie said to himself. A tear rolled down his cheek, but he couldn't feel it. "I killed Pennywise. Please don't do this to me." he begged the universe, thinking it was some ploy. Then the tears kept rolling away from him. He felt like he could fill up the bathtub with drops. 

"Rich, it's really me. You really killed him?" Eddie asked, whispering. "Mom's in the other room, I don't wanna talk too loud." Eddie answered the question Richie never asked. 

"Yeah Eds. I did it." Richie smiled. "And you were there too. You killed him too." He was crying now. He couldn't help it, but they were happy tears right now. 

"Cool." Eddie said with a dash of excitement. "Hey can I come over?" He asked. 

"Yeah man. I've got the new Spiderman comic." Richie said like he was a kid again. "And we can go to the arcade after we leave-I mean read." he said, a bit dizzy from what was going on in his body. 

"Rich, do you feel alright?" Eddie asked. Richie nodded, not speaking. "I'm headed over I'll see you in a minute." he said. Richie just nodded again. 

Richie let go of the phone, then looked at the window. The sun was shining so bright he could barely see the shadows of the tree limbs outside. God, he actually couldn't see it at all. And the stains were gone too. The bathroom was clean as ever. 

"Richie, what'd you take?" he heard Stan say. Richie looked towards the toilet where Stan sat. He was wearing his sweater and neat jeans that he always wore when he was a teen. Richie remembered when they would hang out on Saturdays. The mornings were spent throwing up whatever they'd done the night before and the afternoon was eating their weight in greasy food and cola. "Haven't seen you this fucked up since you found out you had a crush on Eddie."

Richie looked at Stan kind of funny, narrowing his eyes. "You weren't in the arcade." he muttered. "None of us were together that day."

"No, but I know what you looked like later. I know you were white as a sheet and couldn't eat for days after. It wasn't just the killer clown." Stan said. Richie groaned. 

"I hate that you know me." He said. "Aren't you dead?" he asked. 

"Not to you." Stan answered. He walked over to Richie and held his hand. Richie felt Stan's warmth send a flooding calm through his body. He looked up at Stan whose hair was neat as ever and skin as warm as sunlight. He smiled stupidly. 

"Stan the man. I never told you how much I loved you." he said so drunkenly happy. 

"Don't forget to tell Eddie you love him too." Stan said, releasing Richie's hand and walking to the door. "I'll see you, Rich." He said and left. 

Richie felt partially like he was on fire, but also that he was completely okay. The bathroom vent turned on and he thought he saw the wind fly out and away from the vent. "Eds is coming." he muttered. A smile sparked on his lips. Then, there was a knock on his door. He tried to look towards the door, but he couldn't move his head. "It's open." he said, thinking he was yelling, but he was speaking very quietly. As Eddie walked in, the room lit up. "Eds." he said. This he knew was quiet and he was really hoping it was. He didn't want Eddie to hear the deep yearning that was attached to it. Eddie was older now than he had been on the phone. Richie wasn't sure how old, but he assumed it was closer to the age he was when Richie left Derry. And Richie felt like he was that age again too. Nineteen and high in his bathroom, sounded about right. 

"Hey Rich." Eddie said and sat with him on the edge of the tub. He looked at the sink. "Can I have one?" he asked and Richie nodded. 

"mi casa es su casa, dude." he said. Eddie hovered at the sink for a minute, Richie's head lolled and hit the back of the tub. He smiled because he knew it had happened, but he couldn't feel it. 

"Scoot." Eddie said. Richie tried to move and couldn't, but Eddie somehow moved him over. He laid in Richie's arms by his side. The were in a crunch, but they had always been. "Whatcha doin?" 

"You know, living the California dream of getting high alone. What are you doing?" Richie answered honestly. He could smell Eddie's hair and his cologne. It made his eyes tear up one more time, though he didn't know why. He couldn't remember anymore. 

"Did you kiss my cheek?" Eddie asked. Richie had no idea what he was talking about. He couldn't think anymore. "Why did you?" Eddie asked. 

"I know why." Richie said. He finally remembered. He couldn't think about where they were or what they were doing, but maybe that's because it happened more than once. But, he had kissed Eddie's cheek. "I wish I would've been enough for you Eds. I know you didn't know I loved you, but I did. But I wasn't good enough. I wasn't a girl and I wasn't clean. I couldn't have been what you wanted. I'm so sorry Eds." Richie said. Eddie turned in his arms and hugged his neck. Richie wanted to hug back, but he couldn't move his arms. It was like his whole body had been weighted down under sand. What little he could manage was futile efforts at best. "I'm so sorry Eds." Richie cried. 

"You never found anyone else?" Eddie asked. 

"Can't beat number one." Richie laughed painfully. The bathroom had gone so bright he couldn't see anything but Eddie anymore. "Every person I went through always had something missing. I always thought that maybe it was me and I was the empty one without the heart. But, when I saw you again, I remembered why they were all voided. I think we were supposed to be soulmates Eds." Richie let out. He felt like he might be saying the wrong things, but it was better than saying nothing which is what he'd done his whole life. A boy who likes boys is a dead boy. So he kept quiet about that. And a boy who cries might as well be dead too. So he never cried about it. 

"I'll see you soon." Eddie said, kissing Richie's cheek. Richie rested his head on Eddie's shoulder and let the tears fall on his shirt. 

"I'll see you soon Eds." Richie closed his eyes and slept. 

"Richie Tozier, famous comedian, found dead in his home bathroom this morning after a lethal overdose. More on this story as his agent makes a statement live from our downtown studio." the reporter said looking dead at the camera. 

Mike, Bev and Ben, and Bill had all seen the news around the same time. Bev saw it on her phone and ran to Ben who was in a meeting. He immediately shut it down after she told him. Bill was writing the ending to his latest book when Mike called. This somehow was worse than the one they had all gotten just a few days earlier. 

"I fucked up." Richie said to Eddie who sat next to him on his couch as they watched a million policemen run in and out of the apartment. "I mean, I don't regret it as much as I should, but I definitely fucked up." 

"No doubt." Eddie said. They both sat quietly for a second, but laughed right after. "Dumbass." Eddie said with tears in his eyes. 

"You weren't joking when you said you'd see me soon." He laughed. 

They sat for a second and watched the chaos of people fly in and out of the room. "I've never been to California." Eddie blurted out. 

"Wanna got to the arcade?" Richie asked. He looked at Eddie who was smiling at him sweetly. 

"Let's eat first." Eddie said, pushing himself off the couch. Richie smiled and followed him out of the building. They walked together hand in hand and admired sunny California without feeling the heat.


End file.
